I can’t tell you how much time I’ve dedicated to considering which reality TV show to go on, just for the free makeover in week three. Which is the easiest for me to enter? Which will allow me to retain the most amount of dignity? Which has the stylist with the better reputation, because getting a free haircut from Joh Bailey would be completely fine with me. I might draw the line at Stefan. But even then, as Cher Horowitz would say, I am a woman just screaming for a makeover, and I’m not sure that I’m in any position to be choosy. I can’t really afford the $150 that getting my long-ass hair cut will cost me, and I assure you, I would not fall into hysterical tears about the whole ordeal. I wouldn’t even care about being eliminated immediately afterwards. In fact, that would really round out the whole experience perfectly, because I wouldn’t have to participate in the show a second longer than for what I needed it.

So I need to figure out which one suits my purpose best, and then get to applying. Obviously Australia’s Next Top Model is out, and so is The Biggest Loser (the woes of being an average body weight!). What else do we have in this country? I can’t sing and I don’t think The Amazing Race does makeovers. Which really sucks, because I would actually want to be on that show and win it. There has to be something else! Maybe I can just broaden my accent and go on Ladette to Lady? Lord knows these years of stalking Facebook profiles of people I went to high school with should be able to pay off somehow. Otherwise I guess I’ll just have to pay for a damn haircut? Ugh.