Sometimes you go to work, get a coffee, sit down, and start doing things. Sometimes you come into your office, find an envelope addressed to you, open it, and see that you’ve been sent a full-page letter from somebody you used to be quite good friends with, which outlines all the ways that you’ve wronged them from August 2009 to date. It can be a bit startling if you aren’t expecting it.

First thing first: I didn’t go to her wedding. I know I’ve already lost some of you, but let me explain. The evening before I flew down to Melbourne for this wedding, I neglected to charge my phone. So when I got there, it was on the verge of dying, and I didn’t actually know where to go. My friend picked me up from the airport (which was an ordeal), we got breakfast, and then I kind of waited around in the city until it was time to go back. I should have been more prepared, but I wasn’t. I should have made more of an effort. But I didn’t. So I get why she’s mad.

But you know, I am a shitty friend, and I’ve only been getting worse, especially recently. Just over a year ago, I dreaded being by myself. I always wanted to be hanging out with people, and I’d get really anxious if I was left on my own. I don’t know why, but it’s just how things were. Now, however, more than anything I just want to be left alone. After work, I leave my phone in my room so that I don’t hear it if it rings (much to the frustration of my mother), and I really dread being invited to do things. All that I ever want to do is be by myself, doing whatever I want. I don’t know what caused this change, but I’m essentially the opposite of how I used to be. I hate going out, and if I don’t have 90% of my time to myself, I start feeling incredibly resentful and just plain tired. I think that my hermit mode has started to initiate, because I never, ever want to leave the house.

I wrote a three page response to the letter I got this morning, basically apologising for being terrible, missing her wedding and removing her from my Facebook friends (I went through a “leave me alone, everybody” freak out and deleted 300 or so people in the middle of last year. No hard feelings, I just needed to build a moat). When I went to post the letter, I realised that there was no return address on the envelope. I’m just going to leave it. I don’t think that anything I could say would be adequate anyway, and I probably did need the good telling off. But what a way to start the day!